


bigger than my body

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Road Trips, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, me the author yelling into the void
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 11:27:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18093419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: The goal, for the time being, is to get through the day without trying to kill himself.The goal, ultimately, is to get to a point to where his life has more meaning, more substance to it than him avoiding suicide at all costs.





	bigger than my body

**Author's Note:**

> this started off as a vent fic because idk and then i just . wrote and didnt stop until it was done  
> here is another contribution to the void

The goal, for the time being, is to get through the day without trying to kill himself.

The goal, ultimately, is to get to a point to where his life has more meaning, more _substance_ to it than him avoiding suicide at all costs.

*

Tyler meets Josh after he moves back in with his parents.

Josh’s family moved in across the street within the two years since Tyler had moved out, and after he tries killing himself and loses his apartment, he moves back in. His mother talks to Josh’s mother, and they arrange what is essentially a glorified play date, except for adults that still live with their parents.

Tyler’s expecting Josh to speak to him in one of those tones, the kind that someone would use when talking to a frightened child, trying not to frighten them further, but after Tyler’s mom introduces the two of them, and after she exits his bedroom, Josh says, “Just because you tried killing yourself, I’m not going to kiss your ass or treat you like you’re a child.” He doesn’t sound like he’s being mean, and he continues before Tyler has a chance to say anything else. “I tried, a few years ago, and everyone treated me like a child. It sucked.”

“What if I want you to treat me like a child?” Tyler’s voice is small and Josh almost doesn’t hear him, but he isn’t asked to repeat himself.

“I could try, but… You look a little old for that.” Josh winks.

Tyler snorts. He picks at one of his thumbnails with the index finger of his other hand. “My mom’s been acting like anything is going to set me off and make me try again. She won’t even let me watch TV with everyone else, because she’s afraid I’ll see something, and that it’ll trigger me, or something.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m lucky she even lets me have my laptop, y’know?”

Josh nods, and he plops down onto Tyler’s bed, patting the mattress after he bounces a few times. “Is it fucked up if I asked you why? Or how? You totally don’t have to answer, by the way.”

Tyler waves his hand as best as he can, before pulling his sleeves up. His arms are bandaged up to his elbow. “The why of it has to do with me having previously _not_ diagnosed bipolar disorder and having a manic episode and somehow telling myself that if I tried to kill myself, then all the bad feelings would stop, and the how of it… Well, I read somewhere that sideways was for attention, but long ways was for results.” He’s joking. Neither of them laugh. “Went for results, and I almost got them, too. Instead… I probably have nerve damage, and I can’t move my hands worth a shit. I also can’t work, so I’m dependent on my parents again, which… Sucks.” Tyler pulls his sleeves back down, and twirls in his desk chair. “No one ever lets me talk about it. If I try, my mom shushes me like I’m a fucking kid who just said a bad word, and my dad just gives me this stupid, disappointed look, and god forbid my siblings give a shit. Am I being too open, considering we just met?”

Josh shakes his head. “No. I hate small talk. Feel free to tell me your life story, dude. I have open ears, an open heart, and maybe if you’re nice enough, open legs.” He winks again as well.

Tyler laughs. He hasn’t had a good laugh in months. “Why did you agree to come here?”

“I don’t have a ton of friends, and I’m apparently more than willing to let my mom arrange friendships for me.” Josh leans back on his arms, and crosses his legs. “She also tried guilting me, and told me about you trying to off yourself. It didn’t work, but if I didn’t agree to come here, she would’ve held it over my head.”

“My mom just thinks I need new friends. She’s right, though. Most of my friends aren’t talking to me anymore.”

“That happened to me, too. It’s weird, y’know? Try killing yourself, and you figure out who your friends really are.”

“I can’t blame them, honestly. I couldn’t expect anyone to try dealing with this.” He twirls around again.

“Even so, that doesn’t mean they have to quit talking to you. I usually save my venting for my therapist anyways, but friends are supposed to support you, not ditch you the second things get bad.” Josh frowns, and sighs. “I dunno. It blows that your friends are like that.”

“It does, but… Eh. They weren’t really my friends, if they did that to me, y’know?”

Josh nods. He gets it.

*

Josh leaves after his mom texts him to tell him that dinner is ready. Tyler is not expecting to see him again.

Josh comes over a few days later with coffee, an energy drink, and a dog. Tyler’s parents aren’t home and his siblings are out of the house. He struggles to get the door open, on account of being unable to clench his fist very tightly, but Josh smiles at him when the door opens, so he deems his struggle worth it. (Josh is cute. Tyler likes cute people. He’s pretty sure that right _now_ is an inappropriate time to get a crush on someone, but he couldn’t care less.)

Tyler does eye the dog that’s standing next to Josh warily, asking, “He’s not going to bite me, is he?”

Josh looks at his dog. “Jim? No, no. He’s not a biter. He may chew up your shoes if you leave him alone in your house long enough, but…” He shrugs. “He’s my emotional support animal.” Josh says that in a tone, making it sound as if he’s mocking himself. “In the actual way, and not in the, ‘I live in California and want to bring my dog into a mall with me,’ way. I think I’m more likely to bite you than he is. I brought him because he’s… a good boy, and you seemed nervous last time I was here. He’s good for helping with nerves.”

Tyler makes a noise in his throat, but doesn’t say anything outright as he steps back, and motions for Josh and his dog to come in. “My parents and siblings aren’t here, so… No wild parties.”

Jim sniffs the air, and looks like he wants to wander, but Josh mumbles a warning to him, and he sits. “I have coffee and an energy drink. Which one do you want?”

“Do you care which one I take?”

Josh shakes his head. “I didn’t know which one you liked. I can personally go either way, but… Not everyone likes black coffee.” He wiggles the Starbucks cup a little bit. “I work at Starbucks, so I get free drinks after my shift.”

“Ah.” Tyler reaches for the energy drink, and Josh gladly hands it to him. “I’m not a fan of coffee. I like the smell of it, but the taste is… Sub-par.” He holds the energy drink in his hand as he leads Josh through the house, and into his bedroom.

Tyler sits on his bed, up against the wall, with the energy drink between his legs, and his hands in his lap. Josh crawls onto his bed to sit next to him, holding his coffee very carefully, and he asks if Jim is allowed on the bed. Tyler makes eye contact with Josh’s dog, and pats his bed, smiling softly when Jim jumps up without verbal instruction.

His hands shake as he struggles to get a fingernail under the tab on the can to open it, and as he’s entering into minute two of trying to get it open, Josh takes the can from him and opens it, then hands it back. Tyler thanks him. “My parents—they don’t help me with things. I can’t—I can’t close my hands, so I need help with that stuff, but they’re on some bullshit thing about how I need to do stuff myself, and to learn how to deal with the nerve damage I gave myself, but…”

“I get you, man. I mean, I don’t have nerve damage, but… If we’re ever hanging out, and you need help, you’re allowed to ask, bro. At the same time, if I ever help when you don’t want me to, then tell me to knock it off, and I totally will.”

“You’re, like… Nice. Suspiciously nice. You’re not secretly a huge asshole, are you?” Tyler lets his head roll to his right, to make eye contact with Josh. He looks tired.

Josh shrugs. “I mean, I don’t think I am. I know I’m nice, and it’s like… It’s not on purpose, but it sort of is? Being mean makes me feel bad, so… I don’t do that. People do have a tendency to take advantage of me, though, which sucks.” Josh picks at the lid on his coffee cup, before stretching a hand towards Jim, who leans into his touch when Josh’s hand comes into contact with his head. “My last girlfriend was a pretty big culprit in the whole taking advantage of me thing. Like, I’m nice, and I’ll go pretty far out of my way for someone, but she just, like… Went too far with it. She was also borderline abusive towards me and was not a good person, but still.”

“You’re straight?” Tyler quirks an eyebrow. “That’s disappointing.”

Josh laughs. He full on laughs and throws his head backs. “Oh, _fuck_ no I’m not straight. I like girls and all, but… I’m more in the arena of not limiting myself to who I love just because of someone’s gender. I’ve had boyfriend and girlfriends, and both are nice. Point is—if you wanna flirt with me, then by all means, man, go ahead.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Anyways, uh… Your ex. She sounds like she sucks.” Tyler reaches forward, now, and buries a hand in Jim’s fur, which seems to go on forever. He’s a fluffy dog.

“She did.” Josh takes a drink from his coffee, and Tyler mirrors him by taking a sip from his energy drink. Jim lies down on his side, with a paw on Josh’s leg. “She talked me into going off of my medications, saying some bullshit about how if I found the right strain of sativa, then I'd be able to deal with my problems _naturally_ , and me being off of my medications ultimately lead me to, like, _attempting,_ and I’m not blaming her for that, but… She had a hand in it.”

Tyler blows a raspberry. “So, fuck her. Definitely fuck her. That’s bad.”

“Yeah. I dunno. It was a… Weird time. I’m back on my meds now, _and_ I’m in therapy, so she can… Fuck off.”

“I’m trying to figure out where to go from here,” Tyler explains. “It happened a month and a half ago, my arms still aren’t completely healed, plus I'm going to be living with the aftermath of this for the rest of my life, probably, and I don’t—I don’t know where to go from here. Did you get that at all? Not knowing what to do?”

“Yeah. They say that when you’re at rock bottom, the only direction to go is up, but it’s like… What about just wandering around down there for awhile, y’know? I did that. I had awhile where I wanted to try again, but I managed to get out of that, thankfully enough. Getting Jim here helped, too. He lays on me when I cry and sleeps next to me most nights, and that’s all I can ask for.”

Tyler snorts, and smiles softly. “He’s a good boy, yeah. I, uh… I don’t really like dogs, usually, but he’s… He’s cool.”

“I like cats better, but they’re hard to train. Golden retrievers are not. Jim is kind of like a cat. He’s sneaky and he _loooves_ being loved.” Josh puts on a baby voice near the end of that, as he leans forward and rubs Jim’s side vigorously. “You are such a good boy.”

Jim rolls onto his back, and Tyler reaches forward to rub his belly. “Dogs always have such soft bellies.”

Josh smiles. “Yeah, man. Jim’s pretty soft.”

“Thanks, by the way, for coming over today. I, uh… I get lonely, and I can’t really drive right now. So. This room is my world, at the moment.”

Josh looks over to him. He has a soft look on his face; he’s kind. “It’s cool. You’re a cool dude, so I don’t mind being here.”

*

Tyler’s in the front yard, a few weeks after having the stitches in his arms removed, and he’s having an easier time using his hands, so he’s spending his time tending to his mother’s flowerbeds while she’s at work when Josh approaches him. “Do you need any help?”

Tyler looks from Josh’s feet, which are donning red converse, up his legs, his torso, then into his face. He has a hand in his pocket and the other hand is holding Jim’s leash. Tyler glances at Jim, and the dog looks as if he _really_ wants to say hello to him, but Josh holds his leash tightly. “Um… Not really…? I mean, I’m not exactly going at light-speed here, planting flowers, but I’m not particularly struggling either. I just… gotta be slow, and take my time, I guess.”

“Can I sit? Is that allowed?”

“Dude, I don’t give a shit,” Tyler laughs. “Don’t sit on the flowers, but, I mean… You’re allowed to keep me company if you want.” He pats the spot on the grass next to him, and Josh takes the hit to plop down. Jim sits between them.

“Do you care if I talk about my day? You don't have to reply or anything, but today has been a lot, and no one’s been willing to listen.”

“Talk away. I’m, uh… I can’t promise I’ll have anything smart to say, because I’m very… emotionally exhausted, but I’m good at listening.” Tyler uses his shovel to create a hole in the soil to stick flowers into, and Josh starts speaking.

“I quit my job today.” Josh picks a blade of grass, and lets Jim sniff it before tossing it aside. “I mean, I put in my two weeks, but… I needed a change of pace. Starbucks sucks. Wages were good and I liked the insurance, but, dude… It’s always so busy, and I have anxiety. It was cool and all, but in the long run, I don’t think it was for me.”

Tyler nods. “Sometimes it’s good to get a new job once in awhile. Do you have another one yet?”

Josh shakes his head. “I think I’m gonna give it a month or two, because I have the luxury and the savings to do so, and I kind of don’t want to have a mental breakdown. My mom was pissed that I quit, but, man, I got at least nine months worth of wages tucked away in my savings account. That’s enough for me to live for at least a year if I don’t spend more than absolutely necessary.”

“Most of my savings went towards hospital bills. My parents and grandparents helped out a bit, but I’m not—I’m not expecting them to foot that bill. I wouldn’t ever forgive myself for making them do that.” He pats the soil around the flower, and moves on to the next one. “What are you going to do with your free time?”

“I’m thinking about going on a road trip. I know that it’s—that it sounds like some weird, hippie liberal shit—going on some life changing road trip to find myself, or whatever, but sometimes you need to just spend a few months sleeping in your car and eating shitty food to find your purpose again. Which—which is another thing. I know we don’t really know each other, but you said something about how your room is kind of your world right now, since you can’t really drive, and I was thinking… I can drive, and you seem like you need out of your own shit for awhile, because I know better than anyone that’s sometimes necessary, so… I dunno. If I go on that road trip, would you want to go with me?”

“Um… I’d need to prepare for it, and get my medications refilled so that I don’t run out while we’re in the middle of fuckin’… Some Idaho-ass state, but… I don’t have anything better to do. And—and it sounds fun, even if we don’t know each other that well. I haven’t left this house outside of doctor’s appointments in… Two or three months, now, so I kind of think it’s something that I could… benefit from doing.”

*

Tyler’s parents aren’t too happy about the news of a road trip. His mom tries talking him out of it, asking him what he’s going to do if he has another episode in the middle of nowhere. Tyler shrugs her off, and says that if it happens, then it happens, and he won’t be alone and that, worst case scenario, they probably won’t ever be more than a few hours from a hospital, and that he’ll deal, because he’s an adult and she needs to stop infantilizing him.

She seems shocked at his word choice, and Tyler sees his dad lift his wine glass up, as if to propose a toast, and for once, Tyler appreciates his father’s nonchalance when it comes to him and his mental health.

*

Josh shows up early on a Saturday morning. He helps Tyler with his suitcase, and holds his hand like a gentleman as he helps him get into his car. (Josh drives an SUV, saying something about the cargo space, and Tyler has trouble lifting himself into it, on account of his arms.)

Josh gets Jim settled into the backseat on his dog bed, and after he starts the car, he asks, “Do you have anywhere that you’d like to go, within Ohio? Figured we could start small, then find other places to go.”

“Honestly, man…” Tyler starts, before sighing as his hands tremble as he tries to bring his water bottle to his lips. He manages to take a sip before continuing. “I haven’t been to Lake Erie in… Years. We could start there, maybe. Only if you want.”

“Bro, I’m prepared to spend months on the road. If you wanna go to Lake Erie, then, well…” Josh taps on his phone, which is mounted on the dashboard, and Tyler watches him type Lake Erie into Google Maps. “We can go to Lake Erie.”

Tyler bites his cheek, before smiling softly. “Lake Erie it is, then.”

*

Lake Erie is about as beautiful as a lake in Ohio can get. He’s not the kind of person to be awestruck by a lake, but he takes his shoes off, and squeezes his toes together in the sand, and Josh helps balance him when he almost topples over from a particularly strong gust of wind. Tyler holds his arm, and it’s a little weird, being mildly intimate with someone who is essentially a stranger, but Josh doesn’t seem to mind and Tyler doesn’t see why he needs to overthink it.

Jim barks at birds in the sky and Tyler feels like things are okay, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

*

They spend the night in a motel in a podunk town halfway between Toledo and Ann Arbor.

Tyler’s on the floor, sitting with his legs crossed together and his eyes closed, meditating, and Josh is sitting on the bed with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth as he reads something on his phone, when Tyler realizes he forgot something.

He tries to find a smooth way of bring it up, before asking, “What all did my mom tell you about me?”

“Just that you tried killing yourself and that you moved back home,” Josh mumbles without looking up at him. “Is something wrong?”

“Maybe. Uh.” His chin wobbles and he can feel himself panicking, and Josh must sense this, because he looks up, and frowns.

“Whatever it is, it’s cool, dude.”

“I can’t hold things, or… Well, I can’t hold small things, or do anything complicated with my hands right now.”

“Okay.” Josh nods. His tone is easy and agreeable. He motions for Tyler to go on.

“There’s… Medicine that I have to take, once a week. It’s—it’s in a syringe. I can’t, uh, hold a syringe properly, and if I don’t—if I don’t do it on time, my mood drops.”

Josh seems confused, and he squints and mouths something to himself, as if he’s walking himself through a logic loop, before realization dawns on him. “Are you trying to ask me if I can help you with your testosterone? Is that—is that what you’re asking me? I’m totally down.”

Tyler’s pretty sure he’s never felt more relieved in his life. “Yeah. Are you—is that okay? Are you gonna be a dick about it?”

“You’re… trans, right? I’m not jumping to conclusions…?”

Tyler shakes his head. “No, you’re not. You’re right, yeah. Uh. I’m sorry, bro. I should’ve—I should’ve said something, before agreeing to go on a road trip with you. I’m kind of… Stupid.”

“Nah.” Josh puts his cigarette out. “You don’t owe me that information. I’m glad you, like, trust me enough to say something, but you’re never obligated to out yourself to me, just, uh, so you know. _Anyways_ —do you need to do it tonight?”

Tyler bites the inside of his cheek as hard as he can without breaking skin before nodding. “Yeah. I was gonna ask earlier but… I forgot. It’s… I’m a mess, in case you haven’t noticed. It’s in the top pouch on my suitcase.” Tyler points towards his suitcase, and within five minutes he’s sitting on the bed with his sweatpants pulled down to his knees, and Josh is sitting next to him, flicking the syringe a few times to get the air bubbles out.

Josh sticks the needle in, and pulls up a little bit to make sure he didn’t hit a vein, and Tyler says, “I think out of all the cis dudes I’ve known, you’re the one who’s had the chillest reaction.”

Josh pushes down on the syringe, and responds. “Why do you assume that I’m cis?”

“Aren’t you? Every cute guy I meet ends up being cis, and _straight,_ so I don’t know why… I dunno. I have shit luck.”

“I’m not.” Josh pulls the needle out, and Tyler gives him permission to dig through his suitcase to find the proper container to stick the used syringe into.

Tyler wants to ask a bunch of questions, because he’s like that, but he holds back.

Josh hikes his t-shirt up, and shows him his scars. “I had top-surgery a few months before I met you. Holding out on bottom surgery until it’s not, like, risky and weird.” He smirks, and winks, and Tyler giggles.

“Bottom surgery isn’t for me, but…” Tyler hikes his own shirt up. He doesn’t have scars like Josh does, but he does gesture towards his areola. “I was blessed with small tits, so the surgery to get them… _done_ wasn’t too bad. Still hurt, and I was still bandaged up for like a month, but I’m flat chested now, so it was worth it.”

“Oh, you’re lucky.” Josh sits on the bed, near the side he claimed for himself. “I had d-cups. Binding was like wearing a sports bra.” He rolls his eyes, and Tyler crawls up the bed to sit next to him. “Is it weird that I’m glad you’re trans?”

“Nah, man. Cis dudes are scary.”

“I’ll toast to that, bro.”

*

Tyler decides that, as soon as he and Josh out themselves to each other, he wants to _actually_ romantically pursue the older man. He has plans to woo him over the course of their road trip, to romance him, to just be _nice,_ but things don’t work out like that. They work out, but not the way Tyler thought they would.

They’re in another motel, one that’s cheaper and not quite as shitty as the last one, in Kenosha, lying next to each other in the bed, with Jim sleeping on the floor near the door. Tyler’s talking—babbling—because it’s just something he does when he’s tired and comfortable with someone.

Josh says that he doesn’t mind his babbling, and that he thinks it’s cute.

Tyler yawns, and clenches his toes, popping about half of them, when he admits, “I haven’t even been able to get off since my attempt, because I fucked my arms up so bad,” before he can think about what he’s saying. “It hurts, trying to do anything fast or repetitive like that.”

Josh hums, quietly, and Tyler isn’t expecting any sort of reaction, nor was he trying to hint at anything. He still feels Josh’s knuckles brushing against the outside of his thigh, before his index finger extends, a _suggestion,_ and Tyler thinks about it. “Sometimes I like to go awhile without getting off, just because I get, like, super sensitive when I finally do. It sucks, though, about your arms, because it’s like… You don’t really have a choice, do you?”

The lights are off but Tyler’s pretty sure that Josh’s head has turned to face him. He moves his thigh towards Josh, and reaches over with his hand to pull Josh’s closer, to where it’s on the inside of his thigh. “I haven’t had much of a choice, yeah. I probably wouldn’t even last more than a minute or two.”

Josh’s hand disappears as he rolls over onto his stomach, to face Tyler, and to have easier access. His hand returns, higher up on Tyler’s thigh, and he can feel Josh’s face near his ear. “Can I touch you?” Josh is blunt. Tyler likes that.

“Is it gonna make things weird?” Tyler’s hand gently wraps around Josh’s forearm, tugging his hand a little higher.

“I mean, probably, but we’re weird guys anyways. It’s just us, in the middle of bumfuck Wisconsin. What else are we gonna do?”

Tyler turns his own head towards Josh, and kisses him on the nose. “We could sleep.”

“Sleeping is boring.” Josh’s tone changes as he continues. “Real talk, you’re allowed to say no, and I won’t question you.”

“I wasn’t going to say no.” Tyler has a shy smile on his face, even if Josh can’t see it. “I haven’t… been with anyone in awhile.”

“Me neither.” Josh’s hand is light, rubbing him through his briefs.

Tyler inhales a little sharply. He makes a high pitched noise when Josh rubs a little harder, turning his hand just right, and he’s a little embarrassed. His other hand, the one not holding onto Josh’s arm goes up to his mouth, but Josh takes it, gently, and holds it. Their position is a little awkward but Josh doesn’t complain.

Tyler feels lips on the corner of his mouth, and Josh tells him, “Don’t. I wanna hear you.”

“What if someone hears?” Tyler whines. He scoots a bit, adjusting himself, leaning into Josh’s chest when the man’s hand slips into his briefs.

“We’re in a shitty motel in Kenosha, and we’re leaving whenever we get up anyways,” he counters. “It’s up to you, but I, personally, enjoying hearing feedback. Also, can I…?” One of his fingers presses against his hole, not quite pushing in, and Tyler whines. Again.

“Please. If you were cis, I’d let you fuck me.”

“Just because I’m trans doesn’t mean I can’t fuck you,” Josh teases.

“Yeah, but you’re not bold enough to have brought a strap-on with you, are you?” Tyler snorts. Josh starts fingering him.

He feels Josh shaking his head. “Nah. I mean, if I knew… I totally would have.”

“When we’re home again.” Tyler doesn’t finish his thought; Josh gets what he means.

Tyler’s right. He doesn’t last long. He lasts longer than he thought—three minutes, judging by the clock on the table next to the bed—but Josh still teases him about it. Josh pulls his hand out of Tyler’s underwear, and wipes his fingers on the sheets next to him. Tyler takes a few minutes to collect himself, lying on Josh’s arm, before he’s shimmying down the bed, asking, “Can I go down on you? My hands don’t work, but my mouth sure as shit does, and I’d like to return the favor.”

Josh laughs and Tyler’s thankful that they’re able to laugh, and that things aren’t too serious or overwhelming. “Honestly, yeah. Please. I haven’t gotten head in a few years.”

*

Things get weird, but not in a bad way.

When they wake up the next day, they shower together, and neither of them can keep a smile off of their face for longer than a few seconds. Josh’s hands wander, occasionally cupping Tyler’s ass as they’re lathering each other up with soap, and Tyler keeps kissing him and things are just _simple._ They don’t talk about it and Tyler doesn’t feel like they need to.

He’s not used to things just being _simple._ Everything is complicated and he doesn’t get why _this_ is the one thing in his life that isn’t like that.

*

They visit Mount Rushmore next.

Neither of them have ever been there before, and Tyler’s a little shocked, because it’s bigger in person than he thought it was going to be.

“I’m not too big on the nationalism,” Josh starts, leaning over and speaking lowly into Tyler’s ear, “but, like, this is pretty cool.”

They’re holding hands, and Tyler rubs his thumb in a half circle across Josh’s. “It is pretty cool, honestly.”

They stand there for awhile longer, just enjoying the view and having a moment.

Things cant ever be perfect, though.

An old lady gets onto Josh for having his dog at some point, and Tyler’s expecting Josh to apologize, or to ignore her, but he snaps, and yells at her. “He’s my fucking service dog, you _hag._ Mind your own business.” He even lets go of Tyler’s hand to point at Jim’s vest, and to flip her off.

Tyler snorts, and ends up laughing the loudest he has in at least a year at the look of mortification on the lady’s face.

She then mutters something homophobic under her breath, and Tyler has to whack Josh in the arm and tell him to shut up when he shouts back at her again, “At least someone’s getting dick!”

Once the lady is out of earshot, Tyler can’t help leaning over to whisper, “Technically speaking, neither of us are getting dick.”

Josh rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. He bumps into Tyler with his shoulder.

*

They’re on a park bench somewhere in North Dakota sharing another Subway sandwich.

Jim is on the ground in front of them with a paw on Josh’s knee, looking between his sandwich and his face.

Tyler asks, “Isn’t he supposed to not beg?”

“He’s not supposed to but that doesn’t stop him. My family gives him treats when he isn’t supposed to get them, and, I mean… Sometimes he just _really_ deserves what I’m eating.”

Tyler smiles. “He works tirelessly, so the least you could do is give him your food.”

Josh laughs.

It’s quiet for a few moments, and Tyler’s a third of the way through his half of the sandwich when he asks another question. “What are we going to do when we get home?”

“What do you mean?” Josh hands Jim a piece of the meat from his half of the sandwich, and Jim takes it gently.

“Just… Friendship, and relationship wise. We’re kind of in our own little world right now, and not worrying about… Life, I guess, and I was just thinking… It’s different right now if we mess around and kiss and essentially act like boyfriends, but… How’s it going to go when we’re back home and have to go back to the real world? Is it going to stop?”

“I hope not. You’re nice and I like you.” Josh shrugs.

“I feel like if you were cis, I wouldn’t trust or like you as much as I do,” Tyler comments. “It’s like… If a trans person gives me the tiniest bit of attention, my arms and legs are wide open, but if a cis person does… They have to email me a fully thought out thesis and dissertation with works cited in MLA format by the end of the week on exactly _why_ they like me, and then they have to face a six month processing time before I even consider dating them.”

Josh giggles. “I mean, I’d say that I feel the same, but I’m pretty sure I hit on you the first day we met, and I didn’t even find out you’re trans until a few weeks ago anyways. On a real note, though… I’m down, if you want to give dating a shot once we’re back home.”

“I’d like that, yeah. How about tonight, though? We’re staying in a motel tonight, right?”

“Are you suggesting that we…?” Josh looks at him with raised eyebrows.

Tyler shrugs an exaggerated shrug. “I’m just saying, that the last few times we’ve stayed in Motels, you’ve showed me a good time, so, I dunno, man…”

Josh shakes his head, smiling, and then kisses Tyler on the cheek. “Depends on my mood, but I think I’m down to… do stuff.”

*

Tyler’s pretty sure it’s because he’s just had a mind-blowing orgasm, his third of the night, and that he’s being held in strong, muscular arms with his cheek pressed against a firm pectoral that he says, “I don’t think I wanna die anymore.”

Josh’s fingers are tracing patterns into his back, and his fingers go through his hair a few times. “That’s good. I don’t want you to die either.”

“It’d be kind of fucked if you wanted me to die,” Tyler jokes. He’s still catching his breath and his limbs feel heavy, in a good way. “This is the worst pillow talk ever,” he grumbles, as his hand finds its way between Josh’s legs. “It’s just, I’ve been trying to figure out what else there is to life, and I don’t—I still don’t have the answer, but it’s, like… It’s not all so bad.”

“You’re not just saying that because I fucked you good, are you?”

“I mean, _probably,_ but right now, I don’t wanna die, and I’m pretty sure that’s worth something.”

Josh hums. His eyes slide shut as Tyler’s scooting down the mattress, and as his face disappears between his thighs. Josh has a hand in his hair, head tilting back against the pillow, and he says, “At the very least, I wouldn’t want you to die, because I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy who gets this excited to eat me out. And I care about you and all that bullshit, but still.”

He can feel Tyler smiling against his thigh, and his thigh twitches as Tyler’s stubble grazes against it as he’s burying his face between the older man’s legs.

*

Tyler’s never seen the ocean before. They’ve been on the road for a month and a half, and they’re in Oregon—their last stop before heading back. Tyler’s arms ache, and he has a hunch that it’s from the weather. It’s gloomy out, and it’s cold, but he’s still staring in awe at the ocean.

Josh’s arm is around his waist and his toes are in the sand and Jim is barking at birds again.

“I might just be manic,” he says, moving himself to where he can hug Josh, with his head on his shoulder, “but life feels very grand right now. Bigger than me.”

“This isn’t a verbal suicide note, is it?” Josh's arm moves from his waist to around his upper back. "Tell me, if it is."

He shakes his head against Josh’s shoulder. “No. I think I’m gonna stick around for awhile.”

They continue having their moment, at least until Jim decides that he needs to run, very fast and very suddenly, and to send Josh toppling over, taking Tyler with him.

The wind gets knocked out of him and Tyler thinks that life is good as he lies in the sand, smiling, catching his breath, laughing.


End file.
